30th Anniversary - 1981 - 2011 ....

... would have been today March 7th 2011 ...
Is it only me, or is it also hard for others to fully comprehend the loss of one's partner? ...
P

Reflections on a year gone by.

This morning, July 2nd 2010, at precisely 4am, it has been one year since my wife Gisela slipped away from us.

One year. 365 days. An eternity for a young child, or the blink of an eye for an old man. For me, it could be either.

On the one hand it sometimes feels like a lifetime since we lost Gisela, a lifetime of emptiness and waiting, of drifting aimlessly far out on an open sea, as if being in a lifeboat without power, with our children and I holding on to one another, wondering how & where to move forward.

And at other times it is as if the past year has gone by in the blink of an eye - I can still remember everything that occurred here one year ago, every detail, as if it happened just yesterday.

There is a poem that I’ve read about life and death, that says something about how, when we lose a very close loved one, nothing changes in the world out there, but everything changes within our world, everything. It is so true. Here in our home, underneath this roof where my wife was the heart and soul of our family, life has changed forever, and there is never a day now, that is the same as a day before July 2nd 2009.

Some of you who are very close to us, remain in constant contact, and we are extremely grateful for that. It is more than we could expect, more than we deserve. But most of the friends and family who thankfully came to our support at this time last year, have, quite rightfully, gone back to their busy lives, to wives and families, to jobs and businesses. They have gone back to life, because life goes on relentlessly, no matter who lives, and no matter who dies. The world keeps turning, and the sun keeps rising every morning, and setting every night. Even the Florida songbird that sang so beautifully every evening for Gisela & I at the end of the runway, sings still. He doesn’t know that something has changed, he doesn’t know that now, he only sings for me.

How & when one moves on from something like this, I still do not quite know. A few months ago I thought I had it figured out, but now I’m not so sure. How & when does one finally realize that your life partner is gone, and is never to return? How & when does one emotionally ‘leave behind’ your soul mate, and ‘move on’? Some weeks ago, I asked Gracie if she ever wondered about just what had happened to Mommy. Her reply echoed the same feelings that I have – she asked me how could Mommy have simply disappeared? Where has she gone? Where has this huge presence of a person that was such a big part of every minute of our lives, actually gone to? We know she did not just vanish, because we still feel her existence in our lives almost every day. But where? ... They are all questions that we have no clear or practical answers to.

I do know that we have more positive days now than we did six or twelve months ago, but it still goes up and down – good days, followed by not-so-good days, days where we move forward, and days where we slip back again. I am told by those who supposedly know better, that it will keep improving over time.

Fortunately, we have had some beautiful moments over the past year, like Grace’s wedding on April 10th, attended by so many great friends & family members. Together with those very special friends, and family, our children remain the light in my life, giving me strength, and hope, and reasons for a brighter tomorrow.

Life will go on and somehow we will figure this out with time, but it will never be the same.

I was going to write an elaborate letter to my wife this morning, to attach to the balloons together with a photograph. But in the midst of thinking about that letter, it suddenly occurred to me that there was only one thing I wanted to say to her –

Thank You, for loving me.

We miss you Sweetheart, more than you will ever know.

........................................................

Today ...

I woke at 3.30am, light a candle at 4am, and I will release a small bunch of balloons with a letter attached, at sunrise, in about an hour from now.

Our son Ryan and I have planned a few constructive things to do in the garden that I know my wife would approve of, including planting two trees that were given to us in her name this past year, and rearranging her beloved orchid plants, which she tended to every day while she drank her Guatemalan coffee in the early morning light, under the oak trees in our garden.

In the early evening, we will walk the dogs to my wife's favorite spot at the end of the runway, spend some time there, and then perhaps go to a movie & dinner together.

It will be a good day together, I am sure of that.

Below is a short video I made after a sunrise beach walk in October 2009. It holds many of the feelings that are with me today, once again ...

NEVER GIVE UP ...

For fairly obvious reasons, since July 2nd last year I've sometimes thought "what's the point of it all?"

For when living life WITH your life's partner, WAS the whole point to your life, it becomes very difficult to understand all the reasons why one should carry on, without them.

Our two children, of course, are the biggest reason for me to continue to do the best that I can, to still be here 'in good form' to love and support them, to remind them of the character, humour, spirit & strength of their Mother, and to help them grow positively in any way I can.

And then there are the other outside influences that give me great strength, from a beautiful family, close friends, ... and then, today, via a simple email from a good friend, that introduces me to a person like Nick Vujicic ...





http://www.lifewithoutlimbs.org/
http://www.attitudeisaltitude.com/

.... thanks for the e-mail Barry, and thank you Nick, for reminding me to be grateful for what we have, to remember that life is for LIVING ... and why we can never, ever, give up ...